Aiutami a fare da sola

51 images Created 13 Feb 2016

What is home?

Is it a place, a space, a group of people who make you feel whole? Or is home just a feeling, a grounding sensation of belonging to oneself first?

I have spent the past 17 years living abroad, away from the place, the space, the people who gave me my first home. I have, though, tentatively tried to re-create such environment everywhere I went, trying to carry with me the sensations, the feelings of my initial community converting them into my own. I have lead a double life and never felt completely present where I was because I would often just try to live in two places at once.

I loved my life, but I never loved it as much as I loved it with all the possibilities of it being different and closer to the home I left behind.

There was always something missing, something incomplete, an umbilical cord that kept me tight-up to the motherland and the overbearing family that I had.

I know I am not alone in this. I made a decision to leave home, but I never really left it! I was always coming back, always, in my mind, replaying the possibilities of what it could have been if I had not gone somewhere to grow.

This mystic existence made me insecure of my choices, fragile to the fleeting of time when I could not make it back for the death of my loved ones, because I was abroad.

Then, five years ago, my home back home was crushed, destroyed, broken. My parents separated and my sisters went to live in different countries. I was always alone in the U.S. We were all apart, all fragmented, all belonging to ourself and others, not to each other.

This was both devastating and liberating for me. The weight and feeling of having to belong to them and the sense of guilt of having left so young and never finished to enjoy my youth at home was gone. I could breath again. I was done with worrying about all the possibilities of going back and re-building my home at home. That home was long gone and so it was the perfect time to create mine. Alone. Build those walls of structural foundation to flourish from.

Then things changed again. And my need of attachment to what was my initial home began again, I did not have to do it all alone, I would lean onto my family once again, they were back, stronger than ever, alive and I missed them so much. Life with them was easier, more comfortable and more homey.

But, thankfully the desire to create my own family, my own home, and cut the umbilical cord that kept me linked across an ocean to the home I felt the most cherished, cared for and complete, prevailed.

I would like to feel home within me at all times now. But, it still comes and goes, sometimes is there strongly grounding me, some other times I leave it behind with my loved ones and forget I can bring it along wherever I go. I have a feeling the definition of home will always be an open question for me, or at least maybe until I find a ground to plant those roots I keep cutting year after year for fear they are not yet in the right soil.
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